Season 3, Episode 1: Wherefore Art Thou?

If you were to ask me where I've been since I came back from school, I couldn't tell you.

Oh sure, I could tell you where my head has been -first England, then Illinois, then Wisconsin, then back again- but my heart hasn't followed.

That's not to say that my heart wasn't in everything I did this summer, only that my head seemed to be all over the place.

Take now, for example. Due to an ill-timed six-hour nap during the day, I woke up (I suppose I should say that I never fell asleep at all) at 3:00 with a persistent thrum in my veins to get out of the house.

Which is how I ended up at Coffee Shop #1 of two for this morning. You know how sometimes you just have a feeling about an event or day? Like you just know something's going to happen?

That's where I was, well, where I am, I suppose. I told myself that I had come out to write- to journal, more specifically- and here I am, writing, in high-tops, Gryffindor socks, and a sweater that would rival one of Bill Cosby's. From here, I've got two places I intend to go, so let's get started, shall we?

MARY AND MARTHA

(Luke 10:38-42)

This is probably one of the first Bible stories I remember hearing as a child. During his travels, Jesus stops at a woman named Martha's house, where she lives with her sister, Mary. While there, Jesus speaks and Mary sits at his feet and listens. Meanwhile, Martha is preparing (the house, presumably) for Jesus' stay and becomes irritated with her sister for not helping, until Jesus basically says that Martha never needed to worry about preparation, and Mary's choice to listen was just as valuable as Martha's work, if not more so. 

I've always been the Martha in these types of scenarios. I'm a naturally industrious person, and when I see someone else 'lazing about' when I'm doing work, I can easily get irritated. It's not a particularly becoming trait of mine, trust me, I'm aware. 

This summer was different, though. When I was up at camp, I eagerly sought out peers and elders to hear the things that they had had to say; lessons they could each me that others couldn't. There was a huge emphasis on asking questions and really listening to the answers I received. I've always enjoyed that I have plenty of younger friends, because it's given me opportunities to share the things I've learned with them but this summer, it was my tun to listen, it would seem.

Not that I minded. I had a variety of conversations this year that I know I wouldn't have had the maturity for prior to entering college. Honestly, that may be one of my favorite parts of college- the way that you either choose to throw yourself into new situations, or are forcibly thrown into them, and then figuring out how to proceed from there. 

Yes, it can be stressful when you don't know what exactly it is that you're supposed to be doing, but isn't that just as much a part of adulthood as getting a job or graduating from college? You learn from your mistakes, that's certain, but you learn just as much from your successes. What's more, with every opportunity you give yourself to listen to others, your knowledge increases exponentially; the 'irrelevant' life lessons that others have for you now seem to have a knack for showing up at a later times, when they suddenly become relevant. (#JustGodThings). 

So that's been a neat thing to see unfold all summer. In the beginning, I thought it was just me wanting to prolong conversations by asking loads of questions, but after the second or third conversation with a peer where I asked them 'what they wished someone had told them prior to starting college', the pattern that unfolded seemed clear. 

I wouldn't have it any other way. 

HOMESICKNESS

It seems weird to be writing about this before I've left. It also seems strange to be writing about this because I've been 'homesick' (this seems the only appropriate adjective) for Maryland all summer. But now here I am, t-2 days before starting my cross-country drive to school, and I'm missing Chicago.

The last time I felt like this, it was September, I had a small number of friends, and had caught myself daydreaming in class one day about chilled hands wrapped around cups of hot chocolate while window-shopping in 'the City'. 

But I haven't left yet ??

Maybe it's because I've been thinking and planning so much for my future lately (no joke, ask me about my ten-year plan, I've got one), or maybe my subconscious knows something I don't, that this, coming home, is never going to be the same again. 

I don't belong to this city anymore, I belong out in the world; I don't belong in this group of people, I belong wherever God decides to place me as He molds me into the person I'm meant to be. 

Maybe I'm being melodramatic (probably), maybe it's just my brain being ridiculously overactive at 5:00 AM (almost certainly).

I'm thrilled to be heading back to school this semester -I've got some big plans to undertake, and I'm honestly ecstatic to have the opportunity to test the waters of the fields I'm so passionate about. 

So who knows why I'm homesick, really. Not me, that much is certain.

At 1:00 AM this morning, when I was attempting to fall asleep, I found myself wide awake. A song (Happier, Ed Sheeran) came on my Spotify -I had been listening to it earlier in the day, well, the day before, I suppose- and I physically felt my heart clench. 

I have no boyfriend, I had no one to be singing the somber lyrics to, and yet I found myself strangely connecting to those lyrics: 

"You look happier, you do / my friends told me one day I'll feel it too / and until then I'll smile to hide the truth / but I know I was happier with you"

Again, this probably me being overdramatic, but I think what was hitting me was a combination of homesickness for the friends who have already returned to school, and a nostalgia to go back to the way things were before we all scattered across the nation. 

That being said, I was in the mood, so I made a 'homesick' playlist (linked/embedded below) and proceeded to spend a half an hour nearly in tears while listening to different songs and being transported to my dad's old car as a kid, driving through his hometown while he sang along to Genesis or Frank Sinatra; to covering Lumineers songs during my freshman year of high school, uncertainty seeping into my voice and body language; or to the parking lots of UMD on a Sunday night, walking back from a worship practice and listening to Adele's most recent album. 

I think that's what I simultaneously love and hate about this playlist. On one hand, it makes me particularly emotional. On the other, it's got some great music. It makes me miss whichever location I'm not at presently. When I'm in Maryland, I'll miss Chicago, and vice-versa. 

Except for now. Right now I'm missing a place that I haven't left yet. It's a strange feeling, like a reverse sort of deja-vu. We'll see if it continues at UMD. 

If you've read this far, thanks for sticking around for three years.

We're onto season three, which would appear to have a Shakespearean theme, but that could change in a week's time, so don't hold me to that.

I'm looking forward to continuing my life chronicles, and I hope you'll continue to come along for the ride. 

Signing off,

Amanda