Season 2, Episode 14: Thinking Out Loud

Tuesday evening I went to my "first" concert-or, I should say, the first concert that I chose myself-for Bethel and Housefires. I was a bit nervous on a few counts, the first of which is the fact that I've never been to a concert alone before- I wasn't sure if my fragile introverted heart could handle the pressure of pretending to not be lonely while not asking for forced conversation. Second, I was worried I wouldn't know the music well enough to appreciate it. 

But as per usual, God had far bigger plans than I did, and He came through on both counts. 

To begin with the isolation aspect- I was a bit nervous about going alone. I was heading to a venue I'd never been to, to hear music I may/may not know, by myself...

I've said before that I wanted to take more risks, but the truth is, my heart doesn't always feel ready.

But God provided, and in the BEST ways. 

First, I had a conversation that started out focusing on what being on a worship team looks like (not a particularly unique conversation in itself, given the context) but then quickly transitioned into my studies at school. I was relatively forthcoming with my major and what I wanted to do with it when suddenly my new friend asked me: "Why do you want to be a judge?"

In all this time that I've been going around talking about my life goals, I've never once been asked why I wanted to pursue them. When I was writing my own music people asked me where the lyrics/melodies came from, but never why, because it was usually pretty self-explanatory. But with this, with a life decision this monumental, it actually struck me as odd that this was the first time anyone had asked me. Needless to say, I did NOT have an answer prepared (unlike the response I have to "how did you end up at UMD coming from Chicago?"), and so in what was probably a better fashion than if I had memorized an answer, I responded with truths that my heart was telling me. I had wanted to do something with law from a very young age, but the more I learned about crime and prevention the more I realized I wanted to have the opportunity to interpret those laws; to use wisdom and discernment and be able to problem solve while keeping in mind that defendants are people, not objects, and to be able to affect change in the lives of criminals. 

I soon discovered that the reason he had asked was because he had once been imprisoned himself. I was a bit shocked to hear that, first because it seemed like quite a personal admission, and second because I've never been in a scenario where I've been able to talk to someone who's experienced the corrections system like that before. It was humbling to hear him talk about the simple freedoms that we take for granted, like turning lights on/off, or opening doors. To be completely honest, those are things I'd just never thought of before, and here I was, 20 minutes before a Q&A session with worship artists being educated on our corrections system more than I had been while at UMD this year. 

The next man I talked to was a bit older and asked where I was from and if I had ever seen Bethel in concert before. We got to talking and he asked me what I was studying, to which I replied Criminology and he asked what I wanted to do with that degree. I was able to hear from him a bit more about the process of electing judges in different counties, as one of his friends was a circuit judge in Illinois and some of the trials (no pun intended) that accompany the aforementioned process. (I also got to hear about his "day job", as he put it, of being a tour guide around Chicago that talks about gangs- he mentioned this after I mentioned Criminology and he said: "Yeah we get a lot of cops come through the tour, because, ya know, it's kind of interesting.")

Thirdly, I was able to talk to a man named Mike who had come from Chile. I asked if he had come specifically for this concert and he said "well, kind of" and began to explain to me that he had cleared out two months to leave Chile and instead of making concrete plans, booked a ticket for this concert first and decided to work around that. I found that intriguing and asked if he was staying in Chicago for a while, only to find out that he was flying out the London the next day-a fact which, naturally, led us into a discussion of the brilliant city that I call my second home, the churches out there, and stereotypical London weather. As we talked, he shared that he was on a worship team back home, and had been teaching himself to play guitar. "Do you know the song Shepard?" He asked me, "by Amanda Cook? I finally can play the whole thing now!" As we talked further, I mentioned how impressed I was that he was teaching himself guitar, because I found that to be a relatively difficult instrument to become familiar with, to which he responded that when he gets determined enough about a cause, he gets it done- like how he taught himself English at age 16, a fact he shared after we talked about the Spanish and French versions of worship songs. I was floored. I mean, when I get my mind set on doing something, I'm as determined as the best of them, but something about hearing this man tell me he had taught himself English so he could sing the worship songs made my heart swell in admiration for his faithfulness and dedication. 

So clearly, I didn't really have any problems with being by myself. 

Now onto the music. 

One of their last songs of the evening was No Longer Slaves, and when the first two chords rang out, I could feel God tearing down my resolve to remain stoic. Before the first verse ended, there were tears streaming down my face. See, that song holds a special place in my heart for a few reasons. 

At UMD, I'm a member of Cru (also known as Campus Crusade), and through Cru, I've had the immense privilege to be on a worship team with a group of incredibly talented individuals. 

I don't often sing while playing with them (or at least, I'm not usually mic-ed), for a variety of reasons, but the first time I did, I was given the opportunity to lead one of my favorite songs, No Longer Slaves. Afterward, I remember feeling overjoyed because it had not only been such an emotional experience for me, but also a variety of people had told me that they had been really impacted by the worship that night. 

As many of you may also know, getting to be a part of that worship team was easily one of the high points of the year, but more specifically, first semester. I walked onto that campus knowing practically no one and was able to form bonds with an amazing group of people through the worship team. 

The day that I got to lead No Longer Slaves was the first time I remember feeling like I truly belonged on the team. It had been a great set overall, we played some classics (10,000 Reasons) and some emotionally compelling songs (Broken Vessels) but for the very first time, I actually felt like this was where God had wanted me. 

Don't get me wrong, I knew before that point that he wanted me to be involved with Cru and with the worship team, but that was the first time I let my heart accept what God had been telling me for months. It was a bit of a moment for me- not that I ever told anyone on the team that. 

Anyhow, hearing the song tonight reminded me of a few things. 

First, how far I've come. 

From freshman year to freshman year, I'm not the same. Four years changed me more than I expected (and not all of it bad) and I was a completely different person when I left for Maryland than when I first stepped into Lake Zurich High School. 

From August to June, I'm not the same. One year at UMD and I've already met so many people who have embedded themselves in my heart and my mind. They've woven their love and their friendships into my life and for that, I'm infinitely grateful. Those friendships have pushed me to be bold in my faith and to take risks, which leads to the second point.....

....I'm Capable of Courage. 

One of my big learning points this year has been pursuing bravery. 

Not recklessness or foolishness, but boldness instead. Stepping out on a limb in my faith. Taking risks in friendships to be vulnerable, and honest, and fully transparent even when I was terrified of people letting me down or betraying me. 

I think throughout the entire year, my inner monologue surrounding courage and bravery has gone something like this:

"Well, you did it once, that should mean you're able to do it again."

Which admittedly, isn't the most compelling thing to hear when you're terrified of doing something, but hey- I made it didn't I? And I did take risks. 

I talked about this in my last post, but a focus for the better part of this year was me forcing myself to take risks in my relationships with others.

I hated it. 

It was uncomfortable. 

I felt ridiculously awkward. 

It all seemed foolish. 

But I did it. 

And I don't regret a second of it. 

There's a scene We Bought A Zoo where Mark Wahlberg's character says

 "You know, sometimes all you need is 20 seconds of insane courage. Just, literally, 20 seconds of just embarrassing bravery. And I promise you, something great will come of it."

Now I've heard this brought up in countless sermons and life pep talks, but I've never really agreed with it on a basis of experience-until now. 

And wow am I happy that those 20-second bursts of courage just kept coming.