Season 2, Episode 9: Fix My Eyes

I'm going to start this out by saying that I'll try not to make this blog post a monster of an essay, like they usually are. Hopefully I'll be able to contain all of my thoughts into a relatively concise update for now.

So, in an attempt to make this more straightforward, I'll divide it into 4 Parts: Sorority, School, Stress, and Spiritual Life.

Sorority

I somehow managed to make my way through Rush weekends 1 & 2 and end up at 10 Frat Row with the sisters of Sigma Kappa! I'm beyond thrilled to become a part of this sisterhood and I'm terribly excited to grow more as a member of SigKap. (Also I've been craving waffles literally since Bid Day, which is both a sign that I'm turning into Leslie Knope and that I definitely belong in Sigma Kappa hahaha)

We're currently in the middle of big/little reveal week, so I have a big, I just don't know who she is yet. She has created a fantastic Facebook for me though, under the name "Fiddlededum Amandaismylilone" so if you've got any embarrassing pictures, feel free to send them to her. 

PEEP AT THIS AMAZING SHIRT MY BIG GAVE ME

My big decorated my room & gave me juice. I cried. 

School

I made what I like to think is the first mature decision of my life, and decided to drop a class. This may come as a surprise to you, because as many of you know, I'm the Queen of overcommitting myself and being miserable about it, and I think that was my driving factor in this. If I had stayed in the class, I would've had nineteen credits to manage, as well as my involvement in the USJ, my sorority, a new club that's starting up, and Cru, which I've been throwing myself into full force. All in all, I think I realized that so many things can actually be too much to handle, and took the initiative to drop one. It's not a crucial class to my academic career, AKA I can take it next semester, and I dropped it before it would've actually hurt my transcript to do so, so we're all set. 

Other than that, school's going fine, I suppose. I have three papers all due on Monday (all of which are things I should be working on right now instead of typing this up lol) but it's fine, I'm fine. I still love what I'm studying, and I've met some pretty cool people so it's a decent time. 

Stress

I've been a bit on edge lately, and I wasn't quite sure why until this past Monday. To paint the picture for you, I have one class on Mondays and it's in the afternoon, so I usually spend most of the day in a little coffee shop that's half-on/half-off campus, studying in the corner, doing my journaling, and generally just casually working. In a shockingly predictable turn of events, this past Monday I found myself in the aforementioned coffee shop, journaling and preparing myself for Lent. At approximately 1:00 my mother texted me, and we went back and forth for about five minutes before our conversation was cut off by a phone call from my father at 1:13. 

One of the dogs went in to the emergency room today, he said. She hadn't been eating normally for two weeks and the vet had advised she be examined. When they brought her in, they discovered that her stomach and intestines were full of cancer, there was nothing that they could do, and that she was in a lot of pain, so it would make sense for them to put her down. 

I was stunned. I saw the tears hit the table before I recognized they were falling. As a 12-year-old, I had cried over getting to keep this dog. She had laid across my lap and I wept and told my mother that she couldn't give the dog to my uncle (we were fostering her at that point in time) because I loved her too much, and couldn't she tell that the dog loved me too?

It's one of the things in my childhood that I distinctly remember fighting for, and now she's gone, and I can guarantee you that one of the last things I did when I was home over break was to neglect to give her attention in favor of our youngest dog-which certainly hasn't made me feel any better about any of this. 

But my father ended the phone call, and I couldn't stop crying. It's not that I hadn't lost any pet or anyone before-I lost an incredible Uncle in the spring, and I've had pets pass away-it's just that suddenly the weight of that all seemed to hit me, and in quick succession, so did the anxiety. 

I was worried about my mother, mainly. She's incredibly caring and driven and persistent and I worried not only that she would take this hit hard, but that she would attempt to drown her sorrows by throwing herself into her work. My family likes to joke that my mom loves the dogs more than us, and while we all know that isn't true, we do know that she's attached to our pets, and has a special place in her heart for animals in general. So while I was upset, I knew that she must've been devastated. She had driven a van up to D.C. during the weekend leading up to that Monday, and so I knew she would feel guilty for not having been home with the dog, and then she would feel bad because she was only here for a few hours and didn't get to spend a lot of time with me... I knew it wasn't going to be easy for her. 

But then I started thinking about why I was feeling so overwhelmed, and I realized that all anxiety really needs is a catalyst- an invitation to make a home in your heart, and then it sits there permanently. 

I've been worried about quite a few things lately. 

-I was worried about my sorority, and whether or not the girls were going to pressure me to drink, or to go to events where alcohol was present. 

-I was worried that I wouldn't be able to keep up with all of the organizations that I had committed to (even after dropping that class).

-I was worried that my grades were going to fall, and I was going to lose my favorable academic standing, because I wasn't ahead of my studies in the same way that I was during the fall semester. 

-I was worried about my general involvement in things, because I felt like I was throwing myself into certain clubs and activities and neglecting some of the others. 

So I did the only thing that seemed feasible at the time: I used the phone a friend option on "Who Wants To Be A Millionaire?" (I hope that's not the lamest joke I've ever made lol)

I did what I hate doing- I reached out for help. I texted a friend who I hoped didn't have class at that moment, and said that I needed to talk to someone. Within fifteen minutes, the two of us were sitting in the coffee shop, remarking on the uncanny resemblance that the lemon bar that I had purchased had to a bar of soap. It didn't necessarily assuage all of my anxieties about the semester, but it was nice to be able to talk to someone who had held some of the same worries that I had. We talked for about an hour, and then I went to our Performing Arts Center and screamed my voice raw by singing a variety of songs for four hours, which I'm sure doesn't sound particularly appealing, but was exactly what I needed. 

I won't say all of my stress is completely alleviated; I don't think that will happen until I'm 94 and retired, or perhaps until I'm dead, who knows?

Spiritual Life

There was one area of discussion that my friend and I touched on a lot, and it was my involvement with Cru. I've mentioned in the past that I haven't been able to find a particularly strong community to be a part of, and that I was hoping for that with Cru- but unfortunately, I haven't found it with people my own age-yet. Instead, I've thrown myself into everything that I possibly could. I've gone to community groups, I attend our Thursday night meetings, I'm a member of the worship team, I've gone out to "sharing" events, and yet I still couldn't find my people within my graduating class. 

I've been aware that community would take time to build up since the year started- I remember having conversations with different community group leaders about how much I wanted the type of community back that I had when I was up at camp, or at my church back home, and that I was really finding myself lacking spiritually for want of a group of people to be comfortable around. 

In the middle of worrying about this though, I decided to do something differently this time around. I've never been the best at keeping a daily habit- I could never do daily poems or journal entries or even calendars... It was a hard thing for me. But I decided that if I wasn't able to surround myself with a community that I was inherently comfortable with yet, it was up to me to take control of my spiritual walk-not that it was ever anyone else's responsibility to begin with, but more that I was going to be conscious and intentional about it now. 

PSA: I did NOT get a tattoo. (yet)

So I started journaling daily. I officially set aside a part of every day to have "quiet time" with just God and I. I started off by looking up passages that I wanted to reflect on, and then I moved onto analyzing worship music, and now I've created a personalized Lent study for myself. All in all, one of the things I'm happiest about for the semester thus far. 

The first day I decided to journal, I had been (surprise, surprise) sitting in the coffee shop, about to work on some Government homework when I saw someone from Cru walk in. They didn't see me, but I saw them take out their bible and just dive into it as they awaited a visit from a Cru staff member who was discipling them. I found myself thinking that my Government homework could wait, and taking out my bible and journal instead. I decided that my first official quiet time would be on Psalms 1 & 2, as they give guidelines on prayer. As I began, I was struck by a the second verse of Psalm 1 :

"but his delight is in the law of the Lord,

    and who meditates on his law day and night."

What hit me is that David (the author of the Psalms) mentioned that the righteous man's delight was in the law of the Lord, and that he meditates on it day and night. 

As a student who's eager to head to law school, I found myself writing in my notes that if I was so willing to go and study the law of the world every day for the rest of my life, then I should certainly be willing to do the same with God's law, something I'm much more committed to. 

My exact words were "If you're willing to spend every day of your future studying worldly law, you're definitely able to spend every day meditating on God's word," which I feel is a pretty sufficient so there statement coming from myself. 

That pretty much sums up where I'm at on my current walk, but I've got a bit of exciting news to share with you as well.

I think my Facebook post from a few days ago says it best:

My Lent Tracking Journal 

"Lent begins on March 1st this year, but I've taken a bit of a different approach than I usually do. 

As per tradition, I will be giving something-in this case some things- up: secular music (so please don't tage me in music videos of Ed Sheeran's new music), and three of the four social media accounts that I use on a regular basis: Snapchat, Instagram, and Twitter. 

But this year I wanted to try something a bit different, partially inspired by the Incredible Elizabeth and her Lenten commitment a few years ago (quoted below)

As per tradition, I will be giving something-in this case some things-up: secular music (so please don't tag me in music videos of Ed Sheeran's new music), and three of the four social media accounts that I use on a regular basis: Snapchat, Instagram, Twitter. 

But this year I wanted to try something a bit different, partially inspired by the incredible Elizabeth and her Lenten commitment a few years ago (quoted below)

"For Lent this year I want to pray with someone different every day: 40 different people.

I would love to have so many people to pray with that I end up with more than 40, multiple each day would be totally cool.

So, even (or especially) if I don't approach you right away, and you would like to be a part of my Lenten commitment, let me know and I would be more than willing to take time to pray together, any time.

If we don't see each other in person, I'd love to make a time to get together, or ask for my number and we can pray over the phone.

College friends, High School friends, Band people, Cru people, SigKap Sisters, peers, family, friends, even if we have never talked about faith together or don't know each other well; everyone- and if you're not comfortable praying but still want to talk, I can pray for you."

I think this is going to be an amazing challenge to tackle (especially when I'm in Europe for ten days!) and I can't wait to see what I learn over the next 40 days.

Feel free to pray for me (or with me) as I begin this journey- I hope you're as excited as I am to see what God has to teach me!"

So basically a recap: I'm praying with someone different every day. Feel free to contact me if you want prayer and I'd be happy to call you during the day and pray with you, or meet you on campus somewhere- I'm really excited to see how it turns out, so bear with me as I geek out over this. 

Hope you guys have enjoyed reading this (I hope it wasn't too long), I'll be back soon. 

Signing off, 

Amanda