Season 2, Episode 1: Leaving, On A Jet Plane
As per usual, this post was fueled by having "too much free time" on my hands- which is code for "I don't actually want to pack for college yet, so I'm trying to find other things to do instead". It's going quite well, in case you were wondering. I've successfully put off packing until literally the week before, so we'll see how this all turns out in the end.
But that's beside the point. Today's entry is under "Season 2", you may have noticed. That's because, when I started this blog, it was the summer going into my senior year of high school. I wanted to be able to journal, and thought that it wouldn't be feasible to carry journals everywhere (wow, was I wrong on that one) and so I figured I could keep a casual blog. So "Season 1" of Titled Musings has mainly been the tail-end of my high school experience.
But I graduated, and now I leave for college.
I'm going to borrow from the description of Season 2 of Gilmore Girls for a moment here, and put it this way:
"Lisa and Amanda Fiddler's unique mother-daughter relationship evolves this season as Lisa ponders surprise job offers and Amanda enters her first year at the exclusive University of Maryland and continues her on again/off again romance with no one (lol). Weekly phone calls with Amanda's kindhearted friends from camp ease the family tradition of stress and tension, and Lisa continues to work as a pet-sitter while dreaming of being able to spend more time with her family. Meanwhile, at Goodwill, bargains aren't the only things being found as the many employees realize that Amanda may be more than just their best customer."
Someone, somewhere will appreciate that. Even though it's dorky and kind of lame. Anyhow.... My point is this: I leave for college in a week, and I'' not quite ready for that. So "Season 2" of this blog is going to chronicle my freshman year at UMD. I have no clue how well this will work out, or what exactly I'm going to end up saying for the other posts this year, but I certainly know what I want to say in this one, so let's give that a shot, alright? I;m going to divide this post into two main sections that pretty well encompass the summer so far: camp and college. Let's see how it goes, shall we?
Those of you who know me well, or have read my other blog posts, (I feel like I use this phrase a lot, sorry!) know that I LOVE going up to camp in the summers. I consider it both my unofficial workplace and my second home, and so usually, I try to devote a fair amount of my summer free time to volunteering up there. This year was different though, because I was older.
This year up at camp, I cycled through about as many jobs as I possibly could have had- I was a girl worker, I was a camper, I was a college aged volunteer, I was a leader, I was a casual handyman- and it was great. I loved every second of it, to be honest, but I also learned some things about myself in ways that I wasn't expecting.
We'll start at the beginning though, and to do this, I need to insert the world's worst drawing that I just made on paint, to show you the way I scheduled myself this summer.
College
But that's beside the point. Today's entry is under "Season 2", you may have noticed. That's because, when I started this blog, it was the summer going into my senior year of high school. I wanted to be able to journal, and thought that it wouldn't be feasible to carry journals everywhere (wow, was I wrong on that one) and so I figured I could keep a casual blog. So "Season 1" of Titled Musings has mainly been the tail-end of my high school experience.
But I graduated, and now I leave for college.
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| #dontbemadbeGRAD |
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| The best photo I have combining both Camp (the location) and College (my mascot at UMD is a turtle) |
Someone, somewhere will appreciate that. Even though it's dorky and kind of lame. Anyhow.... My point is this: I leave for college in a week, and I'' not quite ready for that. So "Season 2" of this blog is going to chronicle my freshman year at UMD. I have no clue how well this will work out, or what exactly I'm going to end up saying for the other posts this year, but I certainly know what I want to say in this one, so let's give that a shot, alright? I;m going to divide this post into two main sections that pretty well encompass the summer so far: camp and college. Let's see how it goes, shall we?
Camp
Those of you who know me well, or have read my other blog posts, (I feel like I use this phrase a lot, sorry!) know that I LOVE going up to camp in the summers. I consider it both my unofficial workplace and my second home, and so usually, I try to devote a fair amount of my summer free time to volunteering up there. This year was different though, because I was older.
This year up at camp, I cycled through about as many jobs as I possibly could have had- I was a girl worker, I was a camper, I was a college aged volunteer, I was a leader, I was a casual handyman- and it was great. I loved every second of it, to be honest, but I also learned some things about myself in ways that I wasn't expecting.
We'll start at the beginning though, and to do this, I need to insert the world's worst drawing that I just made on paint, to show you the way I scheduled myself this summer.
As a bit of a legend to accompany this....
Red= Me in Maryland/Virginia
Blue= Me at Camp (scheduled)
Pink= Me at Home
Purple= Me at Camp (unscheduled)
Orange= Me at my church's summer youth retreat
In short, I went back and forth a lot between Camp and home a lot this summer. Eight times actually, which (I did the math) adds up to about 20 hours worth of driving time, and approximately all of my most recent paycheck. Was I upset about that? No, not really. In fact, I think it may have been the best thing I've done for myself all summer.
You may be asking yourself (or me) "what's the big deal?" at this point, and I'll grant you that. It's a pretty valid question, you know?
Each week that I was up there, I had a unique experience and I learned something new, even if I wasn't planning on it or expecting to. But I have a few specific weeks that I want to talk about: 2-4.
Let it be known before I start on this that weeks one and five were pretty great, but I have a bit more to say about the others.
Week 2 (June 26th-July 2nd) was Solid Rock, our co-ed High School camp. If you've read my past posts (Episode 3: Passion, I believe) I talked about how cool Solid Rock is, and how much I wanted to be a captain. It happened, and I was ecstatic, but in the end, my team didn't win the overall competition. We sat in either 1st or 2nd place on the leader-board throughout most of the week, but when it came down to it, we lost. It was okay though, because in pushing my "losing" team, I got to help some girls get their verses done who had never said them before, and I got to know the guy captain on my team (shoutout to Michael, you're the coolest) pretty well, and I made myself look dumb by volunteering for activities, and I lost my voice, and I worshiped and I prayed and I learned. And it was amazing.
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| My Co-Captain and I, at Camp (right) and our church's summer retreat (left) |
Then we had weeks 3-4, (July 9th-July 23rd) when I became a cabin leader, and admittedly learned just as much from my girls as they may have from me- which I definitely was not expecting from a group of middle school aged girls. These girls not only motivated me to seek out answers for their questions, but also to not be afraid of asking my own. They kept me up late at night by imagining there was a woman in the middle of the cabin when I turned the lights out, they made me smile by suggesting I was the leader-in-training, as one of my girls was taller than me, and they made my heart full when they repeatedly shouted out "friendship goals" to me and one of my best friends.
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| Friend Goals? |
At the same time, these girls tried me, and brought me to a really raw part of myself. I spent a lot of the time that I was alone during girls camp either praying or crying, partly because I was afraid that I was doing something wrong, partly because I was terrified that I wasn't getting through to them, and partly because I was worried that these girls deserved a better leader than I could ever be. It was heart-breaking to walk back into the cabin late at night after crying by myself, and realize that I may not have impacted those girls in a positive way. Did I try my best? Absolutely. But as a leader at my camp, where the motto is "Where Christ is First", I have such a bigger responsibility than just keeping them safe and happy. I wanted to make sure those girls left changed for the better, understanding more about their relationship with Christ.
It was really hard for me to feel that way, especially while around those girls. I had spent so much time and effort this year trying to make sure that I had everything planned to lead them- I wanted to be intentional in a way that my leaders before me had. I had a high bar to meet, and I kept feeling like I was failing to reach it. I found myself suddenly relating to a mother, where she cares about her kids so much that any struggles she has get pushed to the side for the sake of her children. It wasn't my place to be upset when I was with the girls in my cabin, so I wasn't. I held almost everything in, until a certain changeover day that I just sat in my car and cried while all the campers were gone. That was really hard, and what compounded the difficulty of the situation was my feeling as if I couldn't tell anyone about it. I obviously couldn't tell my girls that, and I would've loved to talk to my best friend, but I knew she was stressed out about her cabin, and I didn't think it was fair of me to be nervous or anxious or upset about my, admittedly, very calm cabin.
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| Me ft. my cabin ☺ |
And so again, I found myself quantifying my emotions off the range of someone else's. And again, I find myself thinking about how incredible ludicrous that idea is. As I said in a recent post, I can't compare myself to others, because I'm not them. I'm not my best friend, and while she had her own struggles, we could've worked through some of them (hers and mine) together. That's the beauty of friendship, and especially a friendship that's rooted in Christ. We can strengthen each other in our faith, we can encourage each other to "fix our eyes" (a girls camp favorite song of the year) on God's plans and promises, and we can be the physical manifestations of Christ's love for others.
My best friend and I eventually talked, in a lengthy conversation late one night, and as we sat there and discussed everything that we were dealing with we bonded, we cried, and we rejoiced in the fact that I was sitting across from her and we existed and we were friends and we were talking. She's great, and I'm incredibly blessed to have her, but what I realized after this session of girl's camp was that she's there. We may not ever live in the same state, or go to the same school, or have time off at the same time, but she's there, and she's willing to be my friend- in all aspects. She'll listen when I need to talk, she'll tell me if I'm doing idiotic things, and she'll advise me when I need the guidance. I've always been kind of bad at accepting the idea that friends actually want to do those things, because it always seemed like they would be putting forth too much effort for some random relationship with me. But then I realized that's what I do in my friendships too- I'm just not good at recognizing those qualities in myself. It was a really nice thought, and given that I'm leaving in a week, it gave me a bit of confidence regarding meeting new people.
College
Go Terps!
As much as I'm excited about college, I'm also pretty nervous. There are so many "what-if" questions running through my head right now, to give you an example, here's a list of just ten that I've got.
What if....
I cried a lot when I left camp, because this summer changed everything. It very well may have been the last summer that I could come up and volunteer, and that thought killed me a bit. I cried almost the whole way home the last time I left. But I haven't quite gotten there with many of my friends. I suspect I will when I have to say goodbye to some of my closest friends, the ones that I've stayed up with until 2am talking about boys and TV shows and puppies and things, but... I haven't had to yet.
What did hit me, rather surprisingly, in my opinion, was the nostalgia I'm feeling about my town. I never expected to feel attached to my town. It was just a "dumb suburb" and not much really happened, and my only real tie to it was that I went to high school there. But over the last week, I've been to a few casual graduation gatherings and the more I've been driving around to different places with different people, the more I've realized how much I'm going to miss being here. I really did grow up here, whether or not I went to school here aside, it's been my home for almost 17 years now, and I'm changing to something new. That's such a bittersweet goodbye to say. I'm actually giving myself an entire day to say goodbye to the town. I'm taking a friend of mine, and we're going to drive around all day and just remember the stupid stuff we did, and the pranks we pulled, and the memories we made, and it'll be great.
It's weird to be here. I remember my sister leaving and kind of registering the idea, but it's much weirder to be in this position.
There are big things ahead, and I'm ready to discover them.
I'm ready to make Maryland my home, and I hope you'll come with me for the ride.
Lake Zurich, you've been swell. I'll see you again when the tides turn.
Signing off,
Amanda
P.S. Enjoy the assorted photos below that attempt (and fail) to capture the magnificence of my high school experience)
What if....
- I hate it at Maryland
- I don't make any friends
- I forget something important that I need for my dorm
- I have an allergic reaction
- I don't/can't find a church to be a part of
- My roommates hate me
- I over-commit myself
- I realize I hate my major
- I fail out of my freshman year of college
- I don't get to do the things I want to
I cried a lot when I left camp, because this summer changed everything. It very well may have been the last summer that I could come up and volunteer, and that thought killed me a bit. I cried almost the whole way home the last time I left. But I haven't quite gotten there with many of my friends. I suspect I will when I have to say goodbye to some of my closest friends, the ones that I've stayed up with until 2am talking about boys and TV shows and puppies and things, but... I haven't had to yet.
What did hit me, rather surprisingly, in my opinion, was the nostalgia I'm feeling about my town. I never expected to feel attached to my town. It was just a "dumb suburb" and not much really happened, and my only real tie to it was that I went to high school there. But over the last week, I've been to a few casual graduation gatherings and the more I've been driving around to different places with different people, the more I've realized how much I'm going to miss being here. I really did grow up here, whether or not I went to school here aside, it's been my home for almost 17 years now, and I'm changing to something new. That's such a bittersweet goodbye to say. I'm actually giving myself an entire day to say goodbye to the town. I'm taking a friend of mine, and we're going to drive around all day and just remember the stupid stuff we did, and the pranks we pulled, and the memories we made, and it'll be great.
It's weird to be here. I remember my sister leaving and kind of registering the idea, but it's much weirder to be in this position.
There are big things ahead, and I'm ready to discover them.
I'm ready to make Maryland my home, and I hope you'll come with me for the ride.
Lake Zurich, you've been swell. I'll see you again when the tides turn.
Signing off,
Amanda
P.S. Enjoy the assorted photos below that attempt (and fail) to capture the magnificence of my high school experience)
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