Season 1, Episode 1: Pilot.

"Listen:
Billy Pilgrim has come unstuck in time."

And so my descent into Vonnegut began, somewhere between my not wanting to have to go through another unit of AP English following the exam, and finally getting my hands on one of his books.

The book itself, Slaughterhouse Five, is a novel masterpiece, and to anyone who's even remotely into Science-Fiction, I'd highly recommend it. A bit of plot to it; Billy Pilgrim is an American soldier in WWII, who gained the ability to be unstuck in time and travel forwards and backwards (or in a wibbly-wobbly, timey-wimey sort of a fashion, for all of you Doctor Who fans out there) along his time stream, seeing the past, the present, and the future. Amidst that- which I'll admit, is mildly confusing in itself- he also gets abducted by Tralfamadorians (aliens) and taken to Tralfamadore (their alien planet), where he gets to learn all sorts of lessons.

 Overall, the book is a masterpiece. It has its own way of darting around plot points, and implied nuances. Vonnegut is positively brilliant, writing an anti-war novel under the context of aliens who view war as both inevitable and unchangeable.

But I'm not here to write a book review.

As I continued on through the novel, it kept striking me as odd how easily Billy accepted the philosophy of these aliens. Don't get me wrong, their thoughts are- at a surface level- great, and well-intended, and seem to be wise and inspired, and yet... Upon a deeper look, they're really not.
As I analyzed the text, it became glaringly obvious to me that the Tralfamadorians really did have good intentions, but also that in a larger sense, they were oblivious to the functions of human life.

A key part of humanity is free will, something that the Tralfamadorians claim that they've "never heard anything on any other planet about". How is it that such a key part of our existence could be so meaningless to them?

To me, humanity is all about feeling things- both the beautiful and the undesirable- and about having choices, free will- the daily choices to eat that cookie, or run the extra mile, or the lifelong choices to put your faith in God, or to not smoke-, and ultimately our ability, and more importantly, our penchant, for change.

At one point in the novel, the Tralfamadorians (gosh, does that take forever to type) reveal that they know that a certain one of them will press a certain button at a certain time, and the entire universe will explode. Following that, in typical human form, Billy Pilgrim asks "If you know this, isn't there some way you can prevent it? Can't you keep the pilot from pressing the button?" to which the Tralfamadorians respond that it always has happened, and it always will happen, and that no one ever stops it, because "The moment is structured that way."

That got me to thinking. How absolutely terrifying would it be to live in a world where life was just made up of "structured moments"?

Nothing would ever change, everything would be expected, everything would be insignificant because we would know its significance before it even occurred.

Now some of my favorite things in life are unexpected brilliance, "chance" occurrences, and seeing people's faces light up when they experience something they love.

Can you imagine a world in which none of those things existed?

For example, anyone who knows me knows that I'm an incredibly music-dependent person. I live to play piano and sing and worship and to explore new instruments. I love testing the boundaries, and writing songs, hearing incredible drum beats and pianos riffs, but one of my favorite things in all of music is the slash chord. To give those of you who aren't as avid musicians as myself some insight (from Wikipedia, of course), here is the definition of a slash chord:

So basically all that means is you play a note (usually the fifth note in the chord being played) with your left hand under the chord itself, which is being played with your right hand- at least for piano. 

I'm so in love with those chords, it's mildly ridiculous. But in case you all want an example, I've provided a video (which is just black) in combination with the audio of "Go the Distance" from Hercules, as sung by Michael Bolton. I include this for two reasons: 1) the end of the chorus uses a ton of slash chords, and 2) the end of the chorus is my favorite chord progression in all of music- so enjoy, I suppose. 

Anyhow, hearing those chords is an experience that I love. It gives me goosebumps just to play/hear it played, but when I sing while playing it, it sends shivers down my spine. Is it a significant song in my life? Not necessarily. I can think of plenty others that are much more important to me, or representative of my life, but at the same time, that song proved to me just how much I wanted to pursue music. My passion for it is evident when I play songs that I love, and in a world where significance is devalued, I would never have discovered that.

Or another example. I had an unexpected brilliance moment a few days ago, when I realized that an old friend of mine had sent me a message, and I hadn't responded. Seems stupid, I know, but we had been very close in middle school, and we hadn't really talked much since. I was caught up in conversations with him about the colleges I was looking at, and the current sports situation in Chicago, and whether or not we wanted to meet up and hang out, when I suddenly realized how much I valued that relationship, and how glad I was that he had reached out to me, so I could have a chance to rekindle it.

I honestly can't imagine what life would be like without those moments, so I just kept thinking that the Tralfamadorians were entirely wrong. So I kept searching.

Another example that I found troubling was that one of their key philosophical points is to just "focus on the good times" and ignore all of the problems in life, but... Is that really living at all then?

We had to do a project on their philosophy in class, and I just kept coming back to that one direction to ignore the bad and focus on the good. It seemed impossible. It still seems impossible. There's no way that anyone could compartmentalize their thoughts that well, is there?

For me, it seems like I'm always caught. Caught in a situation where I feel unwanted. Caught in a situation where I feel like I don't belong. Caught in a relationship that I feel is unequally contributed to. Caught in just one, or two, or seventeen too many activities... the list goes on. I'm always caught in something, and when I read this, I initially figured that it truly was impossible. And anyhow, for our presentation, we had to argue against their philosophy, so obviously there was no truth in that statement... Right?

I came home from school today, after starting June, and finally, finally, doing away with May, the most stressful and crazy month of the year for me. I was tired, I wanted to sleep, and yet, all I could really think about, as I sat on my staircase and opened my devotional book, was how awful the day had been. I felt as if I had messed up, I had ruined someone's chance at a choir position, and I had just felt really alone for a lot of the day. It wasn't a great day, and it wasn't looking to be a great afternoon.
And then something brilliant happened. I opened this devotional book for the first time in a long time, and the whole page is filled with things that I needed to hear. And I know this has been a novel of a first post, but the devotional was so perfect for today that I'm going to share the first half of it with you. It came from Jesus Calling, by Sarah Young, and it said:

"I am involved in each moment of your life. I have carefully mapped out every inch of your journey through this day, even though much of it may feel haphazard. Because the world is in a fallen condition, things always seem to be unraveling around the edges. Expect to find trouble in this day. At the same time, trust that My way is perfect, even in the midst of such messy imperfection."

And then it cited a verse, Isaiah 41:13, which reads "For I am the Lord, your God, who takes hold of your right hand and says to you, Do not fear; I will help you."

What's interesting with that devotional and verse is what I highlighted in bold (Warning: They're not quite in order- Sorry!)

First: Expect to find trouble.
Initially, I didn't see that as a good thing at all. These devotionals are meant to be read in the morning, so... I'm supposed to already have a bleak outlook on the day before it's even begun? It seemed unreasonable, especially for a devotion, so I read on.

Second: My way is perfect, even in the midst of such messy imperfection.
Another point to those of you who know me well enough to know how insane of a perfectionist I am. Anything ranging from getting one point off on a test that I should have aced to  accidentally forgetting to respond to a message drives me absolutely crazy. So this concept of messy imperfection at the end there was really freaking me out a bit. But then.. I re-read the beginning. His way is perfect. No matter how different it may be, no matter how awkward the imperfections feel, His way is always there to guide me.

Third: I have carefully mapped out every inch of your journey.
That one was a real relief. I've spent so much of the last month or so worried about club positions, and choir auditions, and music school acceptance rates, and keeping my GPA up, that I'd forgotten about the master plan. God has a plan. He knows what I'm doing. He knows how my life is affecting me, and best of all, His plan has me coming out on top, victorious over everything that stresses me out, and over everything that causes me to be anything less than what He had in mind for me. But I'll admit just as quickly as I'll type those sentences, that it's really difficult to just blindly follow his plan in a sense, which is why the last section is so important.

Fourth: Do not fear' I will help you.
That right there is what makes everything I mentioned before possible. With God behind me, I can do anything. But the key with that is not to blindly reject all of the past hurts or bad memories that have come my way, that 's not the point at all. As a human, as an adolescent, as a child of God, I'm expected to learn from those things, and grow because of them. Our purpose is indeed to focus on the good moments, and to cherish them, but it's also to evaluate and modify our lives as a result of the bad ones too.

So in a sense, I suppose the Tralfamadorians were onto something. I wouldn't call it profound, but mildly enlightened. It's as if they'd only really reached the tip of the iceberg regarding life and its philosophies. But I can't fault them for that.

After all, they're only aliens.

In case you've stuck around this long, you probably deserve a proper introduction.

My name is Amanda.
I'm 17.
I live in a suburb of Chicago that you've probably never heard of.
I made it one of my new year's resolutions to journal more, and seeing as I can't exactly carry journals with me everywhere I go, I figured blogging could be a nice substitute, especially when I've got a lot to say  (which is always).
I'm a terrible fan of Music, Sherlock, Doctor Who, Rain, Late Nights (spent reading and writing), Cups of Tea, and of Baby Ducks.
 I'm an aspiring musician, a hopeful soon-to-be collegiate, and a proud member of the "I basically live at Camp Awana" club since I was about 7 months old.
I officially decided to start blogging today after prompting from my two good friends, Rachel and Faith. They're pretty legit, and so are their blogs.

I can't guarantee a regular schedule of me posting, all I can really promise is that whatever I write is honest, and that it is sincerely mine.

Thank you so much for taking the time to read this,

Signing off,

Amanda

(In case you were wondering, that's me ↓)